Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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