btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
