Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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