Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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