omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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