i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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