Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize