I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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