I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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