hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
