I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
