At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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