ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
