so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
