my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
