Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
even my farts smell like vagina
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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