I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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