it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize