I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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