I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
