I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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