Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize