Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
