Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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