i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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