just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
