Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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