bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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