i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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