I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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