Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
