Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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