we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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