you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
