i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize