I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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