a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
