i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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