I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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