We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ketchup is God's man juice
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
