u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
