The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
