If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
