meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just high enough for therapy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
