I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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