I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
