i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
