you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
