??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
