Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
