Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
