dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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