she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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