Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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