The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
