Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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