it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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