I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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