I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
