went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
