Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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