It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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